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| Sunday, August 10th, 2008 | | 1:38 am |
The Dead Speak
So, my mom passed away unexpectedly a couple weeks ago. Came out of nowhere, since she had just been down to visit us a couple of weeks before she died. Freaky how that works. She had just put so many things in her life in order too. I can't explain what its like, noone thats never been through losing someone that close to you could ever understand. Imagine having a stranger tell you your mom is no more, your initial reaction is 'yeah right', and I guess now I have to spend the rest of my life telling myself 'no really, she's gone' because the initial incredulity never goes away. Anyway, last night I had a dream. About my mom. It was surreal. I could have sworn my mom was here talking to me and telling me everything would be okay. She did it in the sort of down to earth but not overly affectionate way that she communicated pretty much everything. Like 'quit being foolish'. That didn't really make sense to me, until this evening, when I found out that in about 9 months, I'm going to be a daddy. Okay stupid brain, I put all your stupid thoughts down on here, now let me sleep, damnit. | | Thursday, October 11th, 2007 | | 2:07 am |
| | Thursday, August 16th, 2007 | | 9:07 pm |
| | Sunday, June 17th, 2007 | | 6:58 am |
No Sleep
Its interesting the thoughts that run through your head with no sleep. Its like you have no control. Its more like pure emotion than actual logical thought. I'm watching alice in chains videos right now. There's something wonderfully tragic about the way he sings. My song is the same as always. The quality of my life continues to improve and the depth of my fall accelerates. All I can think about is blood and fire. I don't fight it anymore, or search for a source, or a reason. But as always the moment passes. Looking into myself frightens me enough to find other things to occupy my conscious thought. Around and around we go. I think 'again' is my favorite of their videos. I don't know what to do about my girlfriend. She'd never begin to understand any of this. Of course she would be caring and supportive, but she wouldn't get it. Part of me wants to rub it in her face. I honestly question my motives for a lot of things. Her friends call me the 'ideal' boyfriend, but is it the real thing? I can be a cold calculating bastard and I know exactly how to make her think I love her. Maybe how to make myself think I love her? Or is it genuine? Fuck if i know. I wonder if I've managed to lose my soul somewhere down the line. Or maybe I'm just too tired right now to feel it. | | Monday, March 5th, 2007 | | 11:21 pm |
| | Wednesday, November 29th, 2006 | | 2:08 am |
I have an asian girlfriend
So, for those of you who read this (all 1 of you) and know that I'm much too lazy to write emails anymore, here's an update. Its fucking 1 am, and I want to be at work in like 5 hours though I'm sure I'll fuck that up by sleeping in again. I can't get this girl off my mind. But I am always talking to her so I dont really feel a need to write much of anything. Life is heaven now. I've never felt so loved. However all this happiness has made me realize that I still have internal issues that are just that, internal, that no one else can fix. But you know what they say, where there's a will there's a way. So I don't care that I'm the cliche white guy that listens to electronic music, drives a japanese car, and has an asian girlfriend. Oh fucking well :) There's still some issue with me expecting her to pull a Shivani, still some emotional scarring there, luckily she's understanding and patient enough to understand why I have to seriously slow things down sometimes. I've fallen in love with depeche mode (besides enjoy the silence) though honestly I think a lot of their music sucks. Especially the slow lovey dovey crap. But goddamn the 80's were pretty cool in their own way. I saw a really horrible video early today, "Dino" Thats the way I Like It or something like that. I think that's more early 90's actually. He was a musclar guy with sort of almost mullet-ish hair....automatically makes me think red neck rocker dude...but he's singing pop music with a hip hopish beat, doing some nsync style dancing (almost). I havn't seen anything that pathetic in a long time. I bet the asshole got rich from that though. Speaking of money-lesson learned, never, ever, EVER loan money to irresponsible family. BAD idea. I don't know how to afford buying a christmas present for my girl now. Or what to buy. Any suggestions? If no one reads this, am I talking to myself? | | Monday, August 28th, 2006 | | 3:40 am |
Restless
I can't believe how much I used to write in this thing. I have no desire now. I don't know why. Its almost 4 am. Going to work super early now, got martial arts in the evenings, and I want to actually go. I'm a night person though, so hard to wake up in the mornings. I'm having one of those reflecting moments, thinking about the past, listening to music that reminds me of past times. Its so strange now, I used to look back and feel connected with the things I'd done and, most of all, the mistakes I made. Like reliving those things. Its not like that anymore for some reason. I look back and its a mild curiosity at most. Almost as if those things happened to someone else. Who was I then? Who am I now? I can't seem to make myself worry about any of it. I spent so much time looking within, maybe I was afraid to look without. I used to be such a forgiving person. Water under the bridge type of shit. No more. I think that was just a form of denial. Like sure I forgive you, lets just pretend it didn't happen. Its taken a lot of work and effort to get where I am now, yet I'm still walking a tightrope. I can't afford to get lazy or to get too cocky. I have someone dear to me now, someone who will be affected if I am not good to myself. Its strange, that responsibility. I used to think love could cure anything, and that love was self suficient. I see now that love is only a good thing if a number of conditions are met. There are many things that have to be with it, otherwise its a waste of time. I still think about you occasionally shivani. Mostly I think of how stupid I was to think I saw so much in you, and how glad I am that your own fuckedup-ness saved me from you. I wonder still if your trailor park romance has finally blown up in your face too much for you to deny it. I'd like to see that, a desire akin to the curiosity of watching circus freaks. The thoughts are fleeting apparently, because they don't seem to last through the effort of writing them out. I still remember "I love you so much. Why couldnt I have found you before? Where have you been all my life? You're the one. blah blah fucking blah" Then a few days (hours?) later "why would you think I have any interest in you? i've never done anything to make you think that. you're fucked up" Makes me laugh now. I'm a monsta mack No mo woodstock now ya got mix-a-lot | | Tuesday, August 8th, 2006 | | 8:45 pm |
A little shout out to all you beautiful people on the 101 freeway....
THE FUCKING GAS IS ON THE FUCKING RIGHT, YOU SILLY MOTHER FUCKERS. I wonder if any of you asshats realize if you would quit hitting the fucking brakes for no fucking reason we wouldn't have so much goddamn traffic. Also, if you put on your left turn signal, then merge right for 2 lanes, you don't deserve to breed. 1 lane or 1 turn in such a manner puts your breeding rights into question, but 2 lanes throws it out the window. | | Sunday, July 9th, 2006 | | 3:03 am |
I'm afraid of you. Sometimes, deathly afraid. Its not your fault in every way. This fear is gone when we are together. When I hear the way you talk to me I know it is from your heart and that it is true, and that my fears are nonsense. But its the times in between when all the doubts arise. These times are always a struggle for me. I always want to run away when I'm alone. I have this evil taint in my soul now. But I refuse to let that cause me to rush blindly ahead or blindly away. I will believe in you and love you with my eyes completely open and I will not fear nor tolerate any inane doubts. No matter how hard it is. | | Monday, June 26th, 2006 | | 7:35 am |
How long has it been?
I don't even remember my last update. I feel like such a different person than who has written here in the past. Yet I'm not any different at all, really. Simply more myself than ever before. I've been very happy over the last month or so. I met a wonderful girl and I have just been feeling so good. It was hard at first, with what happened the last time. There's still some fear that I have shown poor judgement again and chosen someone who is absolutely fucked up in the head, though its just a naging reminder of the past more than any actual concern. When all is said and done, I have to say fuck you for trying to ruin me. It didn't work. Sorry. I still wonder, have you gotten what you deserve? I despise your wretchedness no less even after all this time. Though its more of a curiosity than anything. Anyway, whats done is done and whats past is past, so here's to looking forward. I have a lot to look forward to and very little reason to look behind. Maybe thats why its been so easy not to dwell on inconsequential things and people. | | Monday, May 29th, 2006 | | 10:48 pm |
Got back from the philippines yesterday. I have lots of pics if anyone wants. I loved that place. I find it depressing to not be there anymore. I definatly intend to move there. The culture is leaps and bounds beyond anything I've seen in america. | | Thursday, May 4th, 2006 | | 7:38 pm |
Last Resort
I am writing in this as a last resort. I'm so used to having people to talk to that I don't really feel the need to write anymore. Still, I'm not close enough to anyone to talk about the things I write on here. I had a realization yesterday. I realized that I have a tendency to be very above average at almost anything I do, as long as I do it on instinct. Everything from driving to even just talking to girls. If I get a look from a girl and give myself the time to think about it, there's no way I will talk to her. But if I just go do it, I'll probably get somewhere. All of my internal dialogue is bad. I don't know how to fix it. I can motivate myself for a while but as soon as I make even the tiniest mistake, I blow it way out of proportion and it cascades. Which leads me to the revelation I had today. I am shattered inside. No matter how good things get for me, I will always be broken inside. Today was the worst its been in quite a while. Usually when I start feeling shitty I go work out and then I feel at least a little better. Today I went to the gym and gave up way early. I just felt too hopeless, and too isolated. I still feel that way. Hell I had tears in my eyes while I was working. Its always a debate for me whether or not these feelings are justified. I never reach a conclusion. I have a lunch date with two hot asian girls tomorrow, hopefully I will feel better by then. I am going to make an attempt to post pictures. Will I be in them? Maybe. | | Saturday, April 22nd, 2006 | | 2:48 pm |
Can anyone tell me how to post pics on here? | | Wednesday, April 12th, 2006 | | 10:49 pm |
Its late but oh well..
I read a book recently that I was very impressed with. Its called "The Highwayman" by R.A. Salvatore. Its about a guy who is the son of a church-type monk(loosely christian based) and a sort of arab/asian themed kung-fu is chick. His parents die shortly after he is born, and due to complications he grows up without full use of his arms, legs, unable to speak properly. Everything thinks he's a dumbfuck retard and makes his life a living hell, but it turns out that his life-force was just jacked due to some previous circumstances. Again its got a whole asian kung fu theme in it, as well as a sort of european middle ages setting. Hard to explain but Salvatore makes it mesh surprisingly well. He learns through a book his father wrote about his mother's people the ways of her following, including the whole kung-fu ish fighting style and a way to correct his condition. Once he figures all this out, he goes on an ass-kicking spree, getting some revenge, righting some wrongs, etc etc. One thing I like very much about this book as that the good guys aren't really very different from the bad guys. Even the hero isn't really much of a good guy. Except when it comes to handing out ass whoopings. Anywho, I found it entertaining. I've spent at least an hour every day of the last 2 weeks going to the gym. I can already see and feel the difference its made. Its lead to some personality changes too, which I cannot really categorize, except to say I am turning into my old cocky arrogant self. Its giving a feeling of power and security I had lost, and maybe never before really knew. Anyway, its a good change. http://images.google.com/images?q=boracay&hl=en This is my location exactly one month from today. Got my ticket and my visa, got a house rented there for 2 weeks. Gonna be bad ass. I just have to not give out my number. If I leave any kids behind in the philippines I don't want to know about it. Not that I wouldn't want the kid, I just wouldn't want to be latched to some random asian chick. Hmmm what else. Got a big pay raise recently. Yes, another one. Also I cancelled my move to florida. Its just not worth it...sure I'd be making way better money, but I'd be living in a fucking swamp, with alligators and rednecks. And sure Miami would be not tooo far away, like 4 or 5 hours, but Miami still isn't LA. I also have good friends here that I don't care to leave behind. Thats never really mattered to me before, I've always just gone wherever regardless of who I leave behind. I probably still would if I really wanted to. Well, off to bed. | | Monday, March 20th, 2006 | | 7:58 pm |
So, I made a new friend today. Pretty random too, Sara introduced us and we went out to lunch. I was in a rare mood and she seemed to take a liking to the look of my car, and then the way the engine sounded, so I decided to take a little side trip through some canyons near work. I had my fucking car going sideways around mountain curves and all she did was laugh. That was hot. Then I found out she likes nin, thats hot too. So far 2 of my 2 requirements have been met. Well, 2 of 3, she doesn't have big boobs, but hey, we can't all be perfect right? Now to wait and see what kind of fucking mental disorder she has. If it isn't worse than mine, she might be a keeper. Or if nothing else, a good friend. | | Monday, March 13th, 2006 | | 10:52 pm |
H
It's been quite a while since I've written here. I have had so little desire for introspection, especially public introspection. But there's this girl at work. I've felt so alone and so conflicted for so long. My hollywood escapades do nothing to cure this. I can be immersed in people and still be fundamentally singular. Its like asprin for a wound that continues to fester, and I welcome this. I want to spread until I can recall nothing else. But see, there's this girl, and she makes me feel good. All of this is forgotten with her. She sees something in me, and she thinks very highly of me. I don't know why. I don't know what she sees, but its not real. So I hurt her. I punish her. I show her. I can wound with words to a much greater degree than I ever could with physical force. The dark side of my fascination with communication. Its nothing, now, nothing major. A slight stinging. Beware of dog. It is a sad irony to drive away what you want and need. I don't pretend to understand. I don't want to understand, or try to understand, not anymore. Its just the way it is, its the way the cookie crumbles. My distractions grow more extreme. The more people that come into my life that believe in me, the more it drives me to distraction, to madness. I am a solitary, isolated being. The person people know is not the person I am. The person I am has been much to scarred for that. I am like a leper that wears a mask for the benefit of others. Look at the mask, don't look beyond. I will slip away soon enough. Better for you, better for me. There's this girl I know that makes me wonder if it couldn't be different, but I know otherwise. | | Sunday, January 22nd, 2006 | | 11:04 pm |
A hell of a week
So, living with my dad has its ups and downs. Like letting the bills be in his name, and finding out they're not being paid. Thats always grand. I think its time I let him be on his own, and get my own place. I mean, he's my dad, I shouldn't be responsible for his well being. Or at least, I don't think I should. Then, someone gets ahold of my atm card info, and duplicates my atm card. I still havn't been to the police, which is dumb, but oh well. Finally got my money back, so its all good. 12 daily pro has been going well. I'll be making an extra 4 grand/month off of it soon, my total investment being around 1500 dollars. Very not bad if you ask me. Saw sander kleinenberg live for newyears eve, that was pretty sweet. He's actually one of my favorite trance dj's at the moment. I like agressive rhythm, I suppose. Or maybe its just that he's german. Who knows. Lillie left last week. I was so sad. There's a million things I wanted to tell her, but I didn't. I'm still not sure if I regret it or not. Sure she has a fiance, but still... She kept huging me, and telling me thanks, before she left. it was so sweet and so sad. I will miss her. Unless she goes to the phillipines with us in may, god only knows what that might lead to. I dont know what the hell else I wanted to write about because I forgot. Oh yeah, florida. I don't know if I want to go to florida or not. I am seriously considering a nursing degree again. A nursing degree and no experience can get me 60-90k/year, and its something I would be good at. My aunt is some sort of nursing manager down there in florida, or at least she used to be. So I could move there, make the same money, live a hell of a lot cheaper, pay less taxes, and be near family. The downside- more rednecks, much worse weather, I'd miss my friends. I dunno, we'll see. I'm going to see if I can land a higher paying job here instead of moving, and use that and 12dp to speed up my real estate investments. It'd be four hours drive to miami too, which I assume is where I'd have to go to find clubs similar to whats in hollywood. That would suck, though it might not be a big deal. Well, I guess thats it. | | Saturday, December 31st, 2005 | | 4:15 pm |
Tonight I will be in the VIP room at www.avalonhollywood.com | | Friday, December 30th, 2005 | | 3:52 am |
Well, its that time of year again. Ah, the holiday season, and the end of the year, when everyone is scrambling to fund anything and everything to be able to report more earnings for the year. Tis the season for debt and stress. 12 daily pro is going well, 11 days ago I piad 156 dollars for a membership, as of today I have had around 205 dollars depositied into my account, another 17 to come tomorrow. I'm also going to be doing another cleanse in a few days. I want to be hot again :">. This time around I think I'm gonna go for a six pack. Mingling emotions regarding moving to Florida. Going to miss los angeles, but the people here really suck, so its a give and take kind of thing. Its been a good experience over all. I will miss Lillie like crazy, but she's moving to san fransisco anyway. Why are all the good ones taken? At least she's not with some scumbag, thats the worst. I will miss my junior too. Of course she's cool as hell also, and of course she's got a fiance also. I want to kick his teeth in, just out of frustration. Which is probably why I still drive waaaaaaaaaaaay too fast. Last night there was some CRX and some civic racing, and I remember thinking 'wow both of these guys are reving really high, making their ricer exhausts very noisy', then it hit me, oh, htey're racing. Of course I had no choice but to smoke the living shit out of them both. Stupid hondas, dont rev at the nissan unless you want your ass handed to you. If I see you fading away in my rear view, you lost pretty bad. Sorry. This fuckin chick at work has been playing indian music, really loud. Anyone that knows me at all knows I'm all about linguistics and culture, but my god, I've never experienced a more horrid, nerve wracking sound as that 'music'. I wanted to slam my head into my desk repeated to escape the noise. I wish I was exagurating. Luckily I think she got fired. Once again, more evidence that there in fact is a God. Why are indian chicks always so fuckin ugly anyway. Arab and Persian girls are usually pretty hot. Why didn't the hotness spread into india? Sara called me a nazi the other day, which is funny because we've both got a very German background. A lady at work was putting wrapping paper on the shelves attached to people's desks, as a christmas thing, and she got wrapping paper with a black santa and put it on the desks of everyone thats black. She also put it on sara's desk at sara's request. Now, this shit bugs me. A black santa? Do we really have to make christmas into a political statement? Fuck a black santa, its a fucking european tradition. Why do we have to support segregation by making a seperate santa for each race? What about asian santa? What about gay santa? What about redneck santa? (that would actually be pretty funny) Fuckin stupid people. I swear this kind of ironic, oxymoronic stupidity is rampant here. | | Wednesday, December 28th, 2005 | | 5:09 am |
Damn you live journal. That wasn't a half bad post either. But no, you had to kill it. I hate you. |
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